Monday, April 9, 2012

Bathroom Monologue: A reader writes in that hippos aren’t herbivores and eat people

Hippopatmus Amphibius photo from BS Thurner Hof,

“Hippopotami are mostly herbivores. They have been caught eating carrion and have killed enough people that they’ve at least swallowed a few on happenstance. But their intestines aren’t set up for breaking down meat: eating it makes them barf and go nuts. Like, worse-than-mating-season nuts.

“If you fed a hippo nothing but meat it would die from malnutrition, and in the mean time, go drunk-driver-except-the-driver-is-the-car levels of nuts. Please, take this as a writing prompt.

“Now, none of this is to say that hippos won’t absolutely ruin you. They’re territorial, cranky when horny, swim faster than you, run faster than you, have wonky vision issues, and are enormous. Carnivores have the reputation for murder, but a hippo will kill the heck out of you. Herbivores can still be dicks.”


  1. I don't like that much. They'll kill you, and then they won't even eat you afterwards. Now that's adding insult to injury.

  2. ::snort:: "a hippo will kill the heck out of you" totally got me.

    Anna@Herding Cats & Burning Soup

  3. Hi John. I was surprised to learn that hippos can run faster than us, but as they're so ginormous I shouldn't have been...


    1. I guarantee you in a land race that a hippo will outrun you every time, Denise. All one of the times.

  4. And as I understand it, Hippos and bees account for more deaths than any other animals/insects. While not anxious to become a past person due to the involvement of either I suspect that the Hippos would kill you faster.


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