Bathroom Monologue: 6 Badass Revolutionary War Alternate Histories Nobody Uses

Canon.

1. The U.S. is overwhelmingly victorious. How overwhelmingly? They’ve invaded England. They don’t have a lot of industry yet, and frankly, the U.S. sees something in this “Military Industrial Complex.” It could take them places. Shocked by the new nation’s early defeat of British troops, the Germans refuse to extended Hessian support to the King. At the same time, Wales and Ireland hate England and lend themselves as naval bases for the biggest invasion of the British Isles since the Vikings.
   
   
2. One colony (pick your favorite) decides not to fight the war, but rather sits it out. After the U.S. declares independence, this colony declares itself a sovereign nation and freely leases land to the Brits who still want to do business in sub-Canada. It rapidly turns into the most passive aggressive shopping district in North America, with revolutionaries and loyalists constantly running into each other at the vast array of neutral boutiques.
   
   
3. The world really is flat. George Washington and is fellow homies plot to trick the world’s greatest navy into sailing off the edge of the planet by setting up a fake continent and drawing them into a war that isn’t there.
   
   
4. Ala the end of The Hobbit, in the middle of the bloody Revolutionary War, a third army arrives to interrupt. But it ain’t the goblins: it’s the Mayan Apocalypse. It turns out all those calendars won't run out for a few centuries, but humans won't be around for those years. Soldiers of both sides are suddenly united in their desire to get the heck off of the continent before they’re all consumed by a regional end-times, and to warn Europe of their impending doom.
   
   
5. The Vikings realized the Jersey Shore was more amenable that the tundra of northern Europe and simply moved here. With a few hundred years of radically superior weather and vaster terrain, they’ve really leapt forward as a culture, putting the Enlightenment to shame. Their only real rivals are the Native Americans, who think Vikings are crazy for putting so much emphasis on Physics, and have developed their own more holistic curriculum. Red Cloud invents the first affordable family-sized Sedan around 1776, when Europe arrives and awkwardly demands land rights. It’s a lot like getting robbed by a kid with a cap gun, but the Vikings and Native Americans are too nice to just ignore them. It’s really less of a “war” and more of a “long sigh hello.”
   
   
6. Benedict Arnold is gunned down by fellow colonists for his perceived betrayal. Blown to needless bits, he is narrowly saved by the cutting edge of science at the time, with his missing limbs replaced by a steampunk nightmare. He becomes the 1770’s answer to RoboCop, mindlessly following the Prime Directives of the Magna Carta in his pursuit of bringing down the rebels. But are the emotions that once harbored in Arnold’s breast really dead, or does his soul lurk within that cog-powered body?