My Best Reads of 2017

If there's one last thing I write this year, it should be about the books I loved reading. These are our inspirations to tell more and fresher stories, and sometimes these are the only things that make us want to see tomorrow. True to my brand, most of these didn't come out in 2017. Some of the authors are actually dead. But I read them this year, and damn it, Kindred is incredible.

Join me for the love of words.

BM: Was Lincoln's Depression the Fuel for Greatness?

Joshua Shenk wrote a book called Lincoln's Melancholy: How Depression Challenged a President and Fueled His Greatness. I read an article by him about it, not the book itself, but the title spurred something in me. The following is what it spurred.

The gnome was puzzled as soon as he departed the esophagus. His fellow gnomes were shoveling what looked like solid sadness into great ovens that burned around the president's stomach.

A slightly taller than average gnome approached him with a clipboard.

"You one of the new men?"

"Sir, yes, sir." The new gnome straightened his posture. "Reporting for duty in service of my country, sir."

"Good, good," said the superior gnome. "Fetch a shovel and get to burning that depression."

"Sir, is it constitutional to damage the emotions of the commander in chief, sir?"

The superior gnome frowned over his clipboard.

"That's why we're here, private."

"Sir, I read that depression was the cause of his greatness, sir."

"No, no. The fuel." The superior gnome came closer. "It's the fuel of his greatness. And what do you do with fuel?"

The new gnome kept his eyes forward.

"Sir, store it in something safe, sir?"

"You're a cute one. What do you do with gasoline? Burn it. What do you do with coal? Burn it."

"Sir, so what you're saying is..."

"What I'm saying is that if we want this president to get anything done we've got to find all his depression and set it on fire. Now come on. He's got to emancipate the slaves and win the biggest war this country's ever seen! It's going to take a lot of depression."

"And cause it, I'd assume.” And then he remembered to add, “Sir!"

The superior gnome pointed to the nearest oven, which billowed with a smoky melancholy.

"That is not our problem! Now fetch a shovel or start cleaning the stoves. The grease that builds up in there is figuratively and literally bad for morale."

Bathroom Monologue: Gifts of Spartans and Concubines

So it's Jupiter and Juno's wedding day, and various presents arrive. There are garters of stars, armor that repels war itself, and a mysterious box from Pandora, which neither of them finds funny.

Two gifts are the most curious. At 10:00, three hundred of the grisliest Spartans ever seen march to the altar of Parnassus. Each is clad in full regalias, tower shields and immaculate spears.

At 10:01, three hundred of the most beautiful concubines seen under the sun march to those same altars. They perspire ambrosia and have such golden hair that mines close in despair at having been rendered obsolete.

Jupiter asks of his bride, "What's up with those people?"

Juno rolls her eyes. "The men are from Mars. The women are from Venus."

The two gods were banned from the wedding. The Spartans and concubines were kept around.

Bathroom Monologue: 6 Badass Revolutionary War Alternate Histories Nobody Uses

Canon.

1. The U.S. is overwhelmingly victorious. How overwhelmingly? They’ve invaded England. They don’t have a lot of industry yet, and frankly, the U.S. sees something in this “Military Industrial Complex.” It could take them places. Shocked by the new nation’s early defeat of British troops, the Germans refuse to extended Hessian support to the King. At the same time, Wales and Ireland hate England and lend themselves as naval bases for the biggest invasion of the British Isles since the Vikings.
   
   
2. One colony (pick your favorite) decides not to fight the war, but rather sits it out. After the U.S. declares independence, this colony declares itself a sovereign nation and freely leases land to the Brits who still want to do business in sub-Canada. It rapidly turns into the most passive aggressive shopping district in North America, with revolutionaries and loyalists constantly running into each other at the vast array of neutral boutiques.
   
   
3. The world really is flat. George Washington and is fellow homies plot to trick the world’s greatest navy into sailing off the edge of the planet by setting up a fake continent and drawing them into a war that isn’t there.
   
   
4. Ala the end of The Hobbit, in the middle of the bloody Revolutionary War, a third army arrives to interrupt. But it ain’t the goblins: it’s the Mayan Apocalypse. It turns out all those calendars won't run out for a few centuries, but humans won't be around for those years. Soldiers of both sides are suddenly united in their desire to get the heck off of the continent before they’re all consumed by a regional end-times, and to warn Europe of their impending doom.
   
   
5. The Vikings realized the Jersey Shore was more amenable that the tundra of northern Europe and simply moved here. With a few hundred years of radically superior weather and vaster terrain, they’ve really leapt forward as a culture, putting the Enlightenment to shame. Their only real rivals are the Native Americans, who think Vikings are crazy for putting so much emphasis on Physics, and have developed their own more holistic curriculum. Red Cloud invents the first affordable family-sized Sedan around 1776, when Europe arrives and awkwardly demands land rights. It’s a lot like getting robbed by a kid with a cap gun, but the Vikings and Native Americans are too nice to just ignore them. It’s really less of a “war” and more of a “long sigh hello.”
   
   
6. Benedict Arnold is gunned down by fellow colonists for his perceived betrayal. Blown to needless bits, he is narrowly saved by the cutting edge of science at the time, with his missing limbs replaced by a steampunk nightmare. He becomes the 1770’s answer to RoboCop, mindlessly following the Prime Directives of the Magna Carta in his pursuit of bringing down the rebels. But are the emotions that once harbored in Arnold’s breast really dead, or does his soul lurk within that cog-powered body?