Sunday, December 16, 2012

Bathroom Monologue: “Love is in the air.” –Anonymous

“Wrong. Nitrogen, oxygen, argon and carbon dioxide are in the air.”

“No, you’re wrong. That is the air. I’m in the air, from ground level up five feet and fewer inches than I’d like, and several cubic feet around for that elevation. I’m as in the air as I’m ever in the water of a swimming pool.”

“No, those elements are what makes up air. It’s like you having a heart and lungs inside you.”

“Yes, but it’s poor grammar to say I’ve got a heart in me, even though most living humans have one. A heart is a part of me; it is me. I’ve got half a fish taco in me. It’ll be part of me later, and part of the septic.”

“That is not the same as pretending ‘love’ is in the air.”

“So pheromones don’t count?”

“They’re a stimulant, not love.”

“So love isn’t a chemical?”

“All brain reactions are chemicals. That’s all love is.”

“So I’m in the air, and I’ve got brain chemicals in me, and love is a brain chemical. Therefore love is in the air. Find my wife around here and stimulate me a bit, and there’ll be an excess of love running rampant.”

“That is definitely not the same as pretending love is floating around.”

“What if someone skywrites the letters L-O-V-E in the sky?”

“Then you could say it. But nobody does that, and you know that. You’re just saying that to annoy me.”

“Sure, but I love doing it. It’s in the air.”


  1. Nice one. And the arguments (irritating as they can be) remind me so much of discussions (on a range of issues) with my partner. Throw hands up in the air, frustrating discussions. With love as the undercurrent.

    1. Oh man, a conversation like this with a loved one on the ride home from anything that stunk? The worst.

  2. These are so much more funny to read than to live through (and this one was funny). It always comes down to grammar rather than sense.

    I used to have recurring debates with someone who insisted both "a rolling stone gathers no moss" and "still waters run deep" were nonsensical. Whenever I read about how not reading fiction can cause brain damage, I think about those discussions.

    1. I'm definitely on your side about having these conversations, though there have been a few times I've had fun giving friends a hard time. I think it's the spirit of the conversation, for entertainment rather than feud, that can make it tolerable.


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