Friday, December 21, 2012

Bathroom Monologue: A Necessary Getaway



He moved north at the first opportunity. Way north. He cut all ties, even to his mother, which was the hardest on him. He was a mama's boy.

His hair went white from all the stress, including his beard. He took that as a sign to change his appearance and began dressing in pants as soon as they were invented. All the sedentary hiding made him gain tremendous weight, face filling out, giving him rosy cheeks in the snowy environment.

He stayed in doors as much as possible, but always came out around his birthday. It was too lonely, even with the elves that had found him and made camps all around his house. They fashioned him thick, orthopedic boots and gloves that comforted his scarred extremities. It allowed him to take up carpentry again.

The gregarious wee folk did so much for his spirits that he reached out to a similar-sized people: children. He still only went south around his birthday, but brought a sack of the toys from his workshop for those boys and girls who had the right attitude. There were always more gifts to give, too, as the elves copied his work and began production for every decent child.

And associating with children turned out to actually help, for in his old life he had been an average-sized Jew, but to them he was a giant. So his new identity was a jolly mammoth with a white beard and a bag of presents. He was safe. No one down there ever guessed that Santa Claus was an alias.

25 comments:

  1. So *that's* how Christmas and Santa Claus link up. I love it.

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    1. Right? It's so obvious once you look at it.

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  2. Holy crossed religions, Batman! Now, this reminds me of "A Serious of Snakes" by Wire -- "I'd rather make furniture than go to Midnight Mass":

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBV0lK0B3hU

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    1. Your playlists emerging from my work are so weird, but encouraging!

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  3. Santa a man on the lam, nice concept John. Right now here in the UK, with our huge TV celebrity paedophilia scandal, we can never look at Xmas day programmes giving out present to the hospitalised children in the same way again. Christmas and criminality indeed...

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    1. I think I'm out of the loop on this. What happened...?

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  4. Hey, that's funny Santa. You don't look Jewish! Have to tell you though, John, there's been more than one elderly Jewish gentleman of my acquaintance who's decided to earn some extra dosh for the winter holidays by donning the beard and costume. Best wishes for a great Christmas and New Year from Natalie and Brian in Israel. xxx

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    1. And similar wishes to you, Natalie! But can't you see a little Jewishness about the cheeks and beard of a few Santas...?

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  5. I'm surprised they don't teach this in Sunday school- you know, since they can't extricate Santa from Christmas, anwyay.

    P.S. Should be a package arriving for you today. As always, don't open till X-mas!

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    1. Best news I've gotten all week, easily. I'd totally forgotten about this and am sincerely looking forward to the latest batch.

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  6. Brilliant, John. It's a pity you have to burn in hell for blasphemy, but at least it was funny.

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    1. I believe the almighty has a sense of humor. Couldn't make us otherwise.

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  7. A lot of people conflate the two, in so many different ways. This was the best of the bunch. At least the funniest.

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    1. Appreciate it, Larry. Anything strike you as particularly funny?

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  8. Nice work John! Reading this reminded me that Santa is used in medical teaching where the students try and work out all of the the things that Santa has going wrong by studying his physical appearance. There's a long list.

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    1. Oh, I'd imagine it's terrible. The waistline alone is a disaster.

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  9. This Santa sounds like a guy with whom I'd love to have a beer and just gab. Kinda like the reason so many voters chose George W. Bush in 2000, except that your story brings a smile to my face.

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    1. I have it on good authority that Santa Claus will never enter politics. To quote him, "Leave unto Caesar what is Caesar's."

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  10. I liked that the elves made him feel good about himself. Happy Christmas!

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  11. Oh revelations! Who would have guessed, but come to think about it...somehow fits! Loved it!

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  12. I knew it! Soon we'll have the whole story of his previous life and that will be his downfall.

    Happy Christmas!

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  13. Ah at last, the truth emerges. (Chuckle)

    Happy Christmas John. :)

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  14. Festive fun! I watched Rare Exports for the first time last night (also a different take on 'Santa') - this is, well, a little lighter!

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