A golem is the best friend you could have. Forget sexy succubae. Forget conniving imps. Just because they're your species, or have blood in their veins, or hopes and dreams, does not make them good friends or reliable business partners. In fact, all those features make them distinctly bad business partners on any important business.
One reason you want the golem as a best friend is that it'll never hog the seats during travel. If there's only room for one on the carriage, it'll let you sit. If you only have one steer, it'll let you ride it. It will walk. It will pull the carriage.
Another reason you want the golem as your best friend is that when you're stranded in the middle of The Frontier, it won't kill the carriage’s steer for food. It doesn't eat except when it's confused, and then it'll usually eat you by mistake. Succubae eat you out of boredom.
Once the steer has been cooked and gone rotten, your golem best friend won't turn on you. It won't try to cannibalize your left arm under the rationalization that you're a righty. Unlike imps, the golem best friend also won't run off in the middle of the night, abandoning you once it's obvious that it can't eat you in your sleep.
The golem is a better friend because it will actually carry you back to civilization. You’ll be sick from hunger, utterly useless to it, and it’ll cradle you to its craggy flank until chimneys are in sight. Even when the villagers run at it with pitchforks and torches, it'll stay with you until you get a hot meal.
Now after that, it will run away. It will run like a sissy. To be fair though, all best friends will run away once you're safe and people are stabbing them with farm equipment.
However, very few best friends will then loiter on the city outskirts, hiding behind the biggest tree available, until you're healthy and ready to disembark.
The only downside to the golem best friend is that it'll break your ribs when it hugs you upon seeing you again.
Do not hug the golem.
The eating you by mistake and the running like a sissy from farm equipment are my favorites. Thanks for the giggles.
ReplyDeleteHappy to deliver, Danni!
DeleteA Golem actually sounds like just the thing to have around, providing it doesn't eat you by mistake and no ones poking a pitch fork at it. I'll remember not to let it hug me if I ever get one. ;)
ReplyDeleteThey have a nasty reputation for eating people. Personally, I think it's an exaggerated prejudice.
DeleteOr perhaps your last line should read 'Do not let the golem hug you'. It sounds as if hugging them yourself would be a very minimal thank you for their assistance.
ReplyDeleteI had never realised just how charming/and useful they could be. Thank you. And a big smile at the end of the day never goes astray - thank you again.
Very happy to deliver a smile at the end of your day. That's another positive application for golems.
DeleteJohn, sorry I've got to play the killjoy. A 'golem' is no laughing matter and the idea emerged in Jewish folklore via a reference in the Psalms. I don't want to bore the pants off everyone here so instead I'm posting a link from Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golem which gives some very generalised background. However as writers, people reading John's stories may be interested to know that the 'Golem of Prague' fable is supposed to have partly triggered Mary Shelley's 'Frankenstein's Monster'. All the best, Natalie.
ReplyDeleteOh, the perfect mate! Fun story John, especially the eating you by mistake.
ReplyDeleteI had never heard of a golem (other than Tolkien's, but that's another matter) until I read "Snow in August." (Peter Hamill?) It's a fascinating folklore creature.
ReplyDeleteI'll teach him to hug! Hugs are good! Anyway I couldn't help to think to TicToc from Return to Oz movie while reading this...ahahah! Nice one!
ReplyDeleteI don't believe I've seen that. What is TicToc like?
DeleteHere it is http://www.waltdisneysreturntooz.com/Props_TikTok.jpg
DeleteAw, I'd hug that guy!
DeleteHe's actually nice indeed! And although a machine he's moved by the situation and cries in the end. Which means everything is possible, like the film the bicentenary man! I love that too!
DeleteI never did trust those Imps! Yep, the Golem is the way to go, for sure :)
ReplyDeleteSo long as you don't confuse him with the Gollum... which would be a bad mistake, particularly if your relative stole something precious from him, and you might just end up minus a finger... sounds like a golem would make for a very good friend (if you can keep those darned farmers away from him).
ReplyDeleteClever, as always :)
Just FYI: I strongly recommend not attempting to hug the Gollum, either.
DeleteThat was funny - especially the ending about the crushed ribs.
ReplyDelete"Do not hug... wait? Can you say that again?" Haha. love it :)
ReplyDeleteIt's very easy to forget, especially after you get attached or build a cute-looking model.
DeleteGOLEMS!
ReplyDeleteI love them. Can I have one?
I'll put in an order form.
DeleteVery clever - there's definitely downsides to a friend who will obey without question, and doesn't know its own strength!
ReplyDeleteBut "business partner?" Sounds more like an employee to me. Minus the having to pay it part. ;-)
Hey, it doesn't complain. I just presume that means it's on board with our partnership!
DeleteThanks to the education I received from reading your A to Z challenge I knew what every creature mentioned here was! Yay!
ReplyDeleteThis was delightful. You usual humor and logic always make me laugh.
It's a goal to write more flashes in that universe. I ought to give folks a fictional tour, after all, right? Quite glad the humor hit for you.
DeleteHa! Nobody's perfect, not even an otherwise excellent companion.
ReplyDelete...And now I want a golem in a Western.
ReplyDeleteYou may find something awfully close to that in my future novels. The Frontier is a wild place, and you're always in need of something to pull your load.
DeleteWell, I think Golems are so kind that they would never, ever hug you, if you were their best friend.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't sound like this golem is the kind of traditional golem Natalie mentioned. Maybe they need another designator.
ReplyDeleteA well-stated case for the Golem. If they don't talk your ear off and actually change the toilet paper roll after it runs out...well, they'd be perfect friends for me too.
ReplyDeleteDammit, now I want a golem. Have you ever thought about going into advertising?
ReplyDeleteYou always give the best advice! ;-)
ReplyDeleteOK then I will never hug one - to tell you the truth I'd rather not go on long camping trips with the golem either, but I have to agree this golem sounds a lot better, noble even, than a succubus or an imp. Great little flash John - another smile on my face on saturday morning!
ReplyDeleteLovely giggles this morning. Thank you for sharing, this is such a fun piece.
ReplyDeleteAll excellent points on having a golem as a best friend. Plenty of giggle-worthy moments in this one!
ReplyDeleteI've never wanted to be a golem until today.
ReplyDeleteI don't know much about golems (Isn't Golem the name of that turtle Pokemon? :P) but I think I'm sold on them now. ;)
ReplyDeleteI'm a little bummed that I could potentially have such a great best friend but not be able to hug them. Could I high-five the golem?
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