Tuesday, July 30, 2013

BM: Who would win: Superman or Batman?

If the writer likes Batman more: Batman wins.

If the writer likes Superman more: it's a tie or they're distracted and work together against a common third opponent. Superman fans are less awful.

If it's a fight to the death: neither of them kill people. Superman eventually wins by having a longer lifespan. Alternatively, Batman wins because Superman's died before and thus he outlived him.

If it's a race for who gets to the kitchen first: Superman, as he is much faster.

If it's a race for who gets to the kitchen first and Batman gets prep time: Batman builds the kitchen, starts in the kitchen, and wins.

If it's a race around the planet: Batman uses his superpower of money to hire The Flash, and wins.

If it's a competition of tragic origins: Batman's parents are dead, while Superman's planet is dead and in most versions so is his earth-dad. Superman wins, but since Batman is taking this worse, lets Batman think he wins.

If it's mortal combat and Batman has a kryptonite ring: Superman smothers him in lead at speeds faster than his eyes can follow.

If it's mortal combat and Batman has a kryptonite ring and infinite prep time: Superman likely also had such prep time and probably does okay with his laser eyes and ability to fight from space.

If it's mortal combat and Batman has a kryptonite ring and infinite prep time and Superman was screwing around for that infinity: the writer likes Batman.

If Batman has a really cool mech he suspiciously never uses for all the other cases it'd be useful: Superman probably rips it apart and leaves him alive.

If Batman needs to establish a mythos: Superman takes a dive in front of a cameraman.

If Superman needs to establish a mythos: he does something else impressive and lets Bruce abuse some children or whatever he does with his time.

If they're on hallucinogenics, brainwashed, in an alternate universe, and think each other are figments and villains and whatever other nonsense your message board requires to justify two non-lethal characters murdering people they love and respect: Superman throws the earth into the sun, are you happy now?


  1. Uses his fortune to hire the Flash and wins - hilarious!

  2. The superpower of money can also be used to orchestrate a smear campaign so vicious that Superman leaves Earth in disgust. Batman wins.

  3. So important, including the ground rules in these hypotheses. I chuckled at "the writer likes Batman" too -- that's another really important factor.

    Actually, I think in most of these scenarios, Superman's going to say "I don't need to prove myself," and fly Lois Lane to Hawaii for a long weekend.

  4. Superman wins. Of course he does. But I wonder if this is as much about the ideals they represent fighting as the characters. Or at least who sells the most comics.

    I remember years ago when there was a DC / Marvel crossover where they confabulated a reason for the heroes of the two universes to fight each other one on one (though they were cowardly match ups as I recall). Anyway, the fans got to vote who won each fight.

  5. I'm with Larry and Peter. Superman just doesn't have the need to have pissing contests. Yeah, his home planet is gone, but he himself can't remember it happening and he appreciates the Kents raised him add best they could. He knows he could hang it up and help Mom on the farm if he wanted to.

    Batman's coming from a while different place. As the Nolan films so beautifully pointed out, a lot of the crime he's fighting was born from the capitalism his family got rich from.

    I love both characters, so I'm not that interested in seeing them fight.

    Now that I wrote that, I'm curious how Batman vs. Iron Man would work out.

  6. LOL Those are all good. On tumblr, I had a comic come across about Batman vs Superman. Superman threw Batman into the sun and Batman dies. A bit later, a letter is delivered to Superman and he discovers that Batman infused himself w/ Krypton and now the sun is emitting it (or something like that. It's been a while and I'm too lazy to find the comic) and Superman dies.

  7. First of all, Batman fans are not "awful." Second of all, Superman never does jack to prep so infinite prep time wouldn't help his blue-tight wearing ass anyway and Batman wins. Third of all, Superman didn't witness his parents demise at the hands of common street thugs when he was a wee child. Of course Batmnan took it harder. Shame on you. Fourth of all, the only abuse of children that can be blamed on Bruce is Robin. So Superman can suck it.

    (oh, *that's* that what you meant about Batman fans being awful...)

    (also, I think Batman vs. Superman is the stupidest fucking idea for a movie ever....they can make that shit, but they can't make a decent Wonder Woman movie?)


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