Bathroom Monologue: F.D.E.

Franklin Delano Einstein is not his real name. It is an unusually literate moniker for a 6’10” professional wrestler. “Delano” is a recent addition to his stage name; originally he was just “Frank Einstein,” a ghoulish pun referencing the horrible stitch-like scars all over his scalp, face and arms. He jokes that they are from chicken pox, but one night, under the influence of good seed, he confessed something about an accident on a stretch of highway. In character, they are the scars of his creation in a German lab. He took pro wrestling by storm as a silent brute, and carried on that way for three years before speaking his first words. They were: “I think, therefore I am.” From then on he portrayed an ironically intelligent scarred giant, wearing reading glasses to all of his pre-match interviews. Many of his fans don’t even notice the scars anymore, or pass them off as part of a bad hoax. After he started wearing the glasses, however, a few fans noticed that the well-spoken giant has two different colored eyes.