Monday, July 28, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: To Arms and Armor

In the last days of the local monarchy, King Rykshtand commissioned a suit of armor befitting a king. He hoped a truly grand appearance would restore the faith of the people, or at least their fear.

For comfort, they fashioned him several articles of durable cloth, overlaid with strips of leather. Over the leather padding they laid articles of the finest chain mail, made up of tiny links such that even a needle would need to be lucky to pass through. However, the mail was very thin, and despite the alchemists attesting that it was strong, King Rykshtand demanded at least three layers of the material. And so it was done. Atop the layers of mail they set about the suit with thick plates of tempered and folded steel, given wicked curves for the most ergonomic fit and functionality. But the functionality left too many joints open for his majesty’s liking, so he had additional plates strapped around the knees and shoulders, and devised a steel waistcoat to protect the royal posterior.

Unfortunately when they were invaded it took King Rykshtand three days to actually put on the suit of armor, by which point the kingdom was lost.

The Rykshtand Armor is on exhibit in the Museum of Irony until Thursday.

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