Bathroom Monologue: Why the Mood?

She kept smoking, hair and shadow covering her face, not looking up from the bottom of the stairs.

"Oh Jesus, is it our anniversary?" He ran back to the apartment to find his wallet.

When he was out of sight, she smirked. It was fun to do this to him.

Bathroom Monologue: The Reason

Many wanted an explanation after the apocalypse. After all of the plagues, pestilences and wars, space shuttles killing teachers and precious souls lost to miscarriages, most humans wanted Him to answer.

The souls of all the fish, beasts and birds those humans had eaten across millennia followed after them, intent on meeting whoever was behind this mess – and much to the chagrin of vegetarians, the souls of a trillion carrots were amongst the cattle.

Anubis, Anansi, Apollo and all the other gods whose worship had dwindled across time came along, wanting to see the Supreme Being finally get it from Creation.

It seemed all matter was fuming, marching up to His door, ready to tear the meaning of life from His transcendent carcass.

They didn’t expect Him to meet them at the door, but He threw open the Gates of Reality, fearless and splendid, an irrepressible smile in the middle of His infinite beard, and declared, “I call it The Aristocrats!”

Six Sentence Week 2

The Six Sentence Stories keep coming. For this week, from today to Sunday, I'll be posting another six-sentence story each day. As you can see I'm trying to play with what can fit in that brevity: humor, theology, fantasy, ranting, non-fiction reflection, bigotry, love, and for some reason, two about dance. A poll should pop up shortly. Please vote for whichever you like the most, and leave a Comment if you think one is particularly good or bad.

Dammit, that's five again!

Bathroom Monologue: D.A.E.

Demons Against Exorcism is a grassroots organization that is either entirely composed of demons or has no demons at all, depending on how skeptical you are. The demons in question have 100% willing and agreeable hosts who do not want to see their companions evicted.

“It’s my body, my choice,” says Sarah Stockman, who will have been possessed for six years next month. Her parents were initially uncomfortable with her lifestyle, but grew to accept it after her demon ceased making her writhe in public. Following a popular tolerant trend, the Stockmans have nothing against writhing in private.

The demons provide no rent, being incorporeal and generally bad at finances. Unlike poltergeists, they are not very helpful at moving things around the house.

“A possession isn’t a business relationship,” says Paul Pensly, who has been passionately possessed for two years and doesn’t see the honeymoon enthusiasm fading. “It’s about companionship, knowing this infernal buddy of mine will be there when I’ve had a long day, lost a bar fight, or whenever I just need to talk. I never go to the movies alone now.”

Some people do note advantages to the possessions, however. Sarah Stockman landed a job in the Foreign Languages department of a community college thanks to her ability to speak in tongues. An anonymous Indian-American possessee in Ohio claims his demon once possessed Aristotle and now helps him breeze through textbooks. College Board is currently devising a counter-demon measure to prevent possession-based cheating on its SAT exams, a measure Demons Against Exorcism calls “the worst kind of bigotry.”

Rorschark Attack at Short Story Library

"Rorschark Attack" is the story of the day over at Short Story Library. You can check out their site at the URL: http://shortstory.us.com/

If you like it, let them know in Comments or e-mails!

Bathroom Monologue: Cashiers Have Their Ways

“Hey, did I leave my keys in here?”
“Someone did leave a set of keys at checkout, but how do I know they were yours?”
“I just left here. I was just here! Talking to you!”
“So you say. What kind of car do you drive?”
“Hybrid.”
“I’ve wanted a Hybrid…”
“Give me my keys!”
“Your ownership is still unestablished, sir. What items did you buy at my register, supposing you did buy any at all?”
“These Snickers. You know that.”
“I know that Snickers are delicious.”
“Are you… are you trying to extort my candy?”
“I could leave these keys here and look the other way, if something preoccupied me. Like caramel and peanuts, mixed in silky chocolate.”
“You… diabolical bastard.”
“We cashiers have our ways.”

Bathroom Monologue: How It Sounds

“There is no other country that is diverting 15% of tin and salts to aether research. There is no other industrialized country still bent on developing the Death Ray. And yet the chairman persists in pretending it is the conservatives that are out of touch. We cannot close the oceans with taxes upon our most prosperous citizens just because they are the wealthiest. They did not make the oceans vast, did not make them rise such that we need aether ships. It is not the corporate world that filled our skies with pirates necessitating advanced disintegrator canons in every floating city we set up. Indeed, it is the corporations that build the canons! And so what if they malfunction a mere one fifth of the time? That is still four-fifths of the floating population that lives, dry and unharassed by sky-hooligans!”

Bathroom Monologue: Dead Wrong

So while the notion that the dead ascend and become an army of guardian angels who watch over and shine upon the living is still popular, there are dissenting views. For instance there is the theory that the ascended dead continue to be the petty, bigoted assholes they were in life.

The living make very quick judgments on others.

“That slut is wearing way too tight a skirt.”

“You can tell he’s lying. Look at that suit.”

“That fat ass doesn’t even try to lose weight, even though he’s jogging.”

Natural disasters have occurred since time immemorial, as have erroneous and negative snap judgments. Under this theory, the two are linked, but given immortality and heavenly power, the dead can do more than just glare. The judgmental dead are passing judgments on we slutty, lying and fat living through earthquakes and avalanches. A volcano erupting is your great grandma’s way of telling you to change your top.

Bathroom Monologue: Beta Testing for Go Outside

His last web video was the supposed gameplay footage for a PC-exclusive called “Go Outside.” It averaged 1.2 stars on youtube and the Comments section was overrun with complaints for his lame gag. From the start it was obvious he had just brought a webcam outdoors and filmed himself walking around, sometimes admiring his hand in front of the lens and complimenting the “graphics.” Those viewers who finished the video were horrified, however, when after finishing the tutorial for “jumping” and “tying your shoelaces,” the host walked his camera out into the middle of the road and demonstrated the “combat gameplay,” by refusing to step out of the way of oncoming traffic. He charged at a Hummer, which threw on its breaks but still struck him. A small spray of blood could be seen flying past the lens. The view of the camera flew up and collapsed to the concrete, where it lay still for ten seconds. Then the cameraman, presumably the same one who had been struck, picked up the camera and announced the demo for Go Outside was over.

That’s the worst April Fool’s joke the Highlander ever played.