Monday, February 1, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: “Monetize the eyes” –Advertising jargon

Welcome to life, newborn! Your eyes have been pre-loaded with 5,000 hours of 20/20 vision. Some blurring may occur within the first few days of usage. Still, most customers will attest that even half an eye is significantly better than none, especially when you’ve just discovered they exist! Your parents have selected the Budget Sensory Package, which includes some auditory and olfactory functions in addition to your magnificent 5,000 hours of vision. Hearing and smell sure are nice, aren’t they? You can probably smell that first bottle of Generic Formula cooking in the nurse’s station already. But nothing quite matches vision. The glorious miracle of sight, being able to see color and depth, all our rich world, is your privilege for the next 5,000 hours for which you wish to open your eyes. That’s two hundred days if you don’t close them! Sleeping is recommended both to rest the eyes and to pace out use of your hours. Additional hours of vision can be purchased from the hospital billing department, online through our handy pass code system, or at participating retailers (provided your skull has been stamped with a readable barcode). If you are short on cash, we recommend blinking more often. Did you know that frequent blinking can reduce the use of your eyes by up to 25%? Probably not as you were just born, but you should figure it out soon!


  1. How comically terrifying! What if you don't have any money after 5,000 hours? I'm going to have nightmares now, John.

  2. At least your eyes are closed during nightmares. That'll save some hours.

  3. Thanks...hadn't thought of that. :)


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