Bathroom Monologue: Things I would say to J.D. Salinger's head if we were both cloned, decapitated and kept in a Futurama-like museum

-"Weird to spend all those years pissing in jars and then live in one, right? Maybe they can bring some over for company."

-"Never read Franny and Zooey. Got it on audiobook? Or maybe you could recite it from memory. Same for me."

-"Did you really write a story called Ocean Full of Bowling Balls? So we do have something in common!"

-"I'd take you in the Rye, JD, but you don't have arms to play catch."

-"Hey janitor! This isn't the real Salinger. He's some kind of phony!"

-"Yes, my plan is to get you to kill yourself. But don't worry: I won’t publish anything about it.”

-“Mind passing me that pen? Oh, that's right. We don't have hands!"

-"You look like you want to get something off your chest. Want to tell me about it, or should I call a hooker?"

-“So should we… oh yeah! No hands!”

-"I was thinking maybe we aren't really floating heads. Maybe you're just an insane asylum. ... Psych! That'd be such a lame ending."