Thursday, February 4, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: Things I would say to J.D. Salinger's head if we were both cloned, decapitated and kept in a Futurama-like museum

-"Weird to spend all those years pissing in jars and then live in one, right? Maybe they can bring some over for company."

-"Never read Franny and Zooey. Got it on audiobook? Or maybe you could recite it from memory. Same for me."

-"Did you really write a story called Ocean Full of Bowling Balls? So we do have something in common!"

-"I'd take you in the Rye, JD, but you don't have arms to play catch."

-"Hey janitor! This isn't the real Salinger. He's some kind of phony!"

-"Yes, my plan is to get you to kill yourself. But don't worry: I won’t publish anything about it.”

-“Mind passing me that pen? Oh, that's right. We don't have hands!"

-"You look like you want to get something off your chest. Want to tell me about it, or should I call a hooker?"

-“So should we… oh yeah! No hands!”

-"I was thinking maybe we aren't really floating heads. Maybe you're just an insane asylum. ... Psych! That'd be such a lame ending."


  1. Hey now, if Ted Williams' head is there can you get some batting tips for me? Whooa..and If Timothy Leary's head is there ask him like, whoaa dude, WHAT were you thinking???


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