Bathroom Monologue: Planet Versus Spaceship

"Hey! Hey! What's going on here?"

"Hi! I'm a spaceship."

"Hi! I'm a planet. What are you doing?"

"I think I'm hurtling towards you."

"I know you are. That's why I was yelling."

"I wondered about that. Talking planets are kind of rare. How are you doing?"

"Having a great day, provided nothing crashes into me."

"I think I'm going to ruin that day, planet."

"Yeah, but why?"

"It's not really in my hands. I'm being piloted."

"Piloted? Man, that must suck. I just go around that star over there."

"It's a nice star!"

"Well thanks! Why don't you crash into it instead?"

"I'm afraid I can't. These pilots are nuts. It's out of my hands."

"Do you have hands? Because if you do, put them on that steering wheel! Let me tell you, ten out of ten ships prefer to crash into a star than a planet."

"Friendly as you are, I'm not sure I believe that! Regardless, I don't have hands. It was a figure of speech."

"I figured. But you can hope."

"You can!"

"You don't have a nuclear payload, do you?"

"Yeah. Sorry about that."

"I really wish spaceships would stop ramming into me with their nuclear payloads."

"You get a lot of them?"

"Boy howdy! Ten this year alone and I'm not nearly around the central star yet. I've lost all life on my surface. It's down to some microbes in my ocean."

"Which ocean?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"Making small talk, friend!"

"...You're not a talking spaceship, are you?"

"Sure I am!"

"You sons of bitches! You daughters of ugly planets!"

"Alright, so you caught us. But you're about catch us again right in an ocean!"

"Why are you doing this?"

"Life on you stinks! You pollute the galaxy!"

"I don't have any more life on me! Spaceship, listen to me!"

"We're not a talking spaceship. We're eradicating the last of an evil species on your surface."

"Spaceship, stop them! Think about how painful it is to crash!"

"The planet's gone mad. Prepare the payload."

"You'll be sorry!"

"We'll be done with you! Five seconds to impact."

"Get into positions, friends!"

"Three... Two... Is the planet talking to somebody else?"

"Get 'em!"

"Sir, we've stopped. We're six meters above the west ocean. We can't move."

"In your face!"

"What did that planet do?"

"I did nothing! My friends, on the other hand..."

"Sir, the ten other spaceships we sent..."

"Well, they're good-spirited!"

"The other suicide ships! They're here, and we're caught in their tractor beams! Looking all kinds of messed up. Did it rebuild them?"

"People die in suicide missions, but planets and spaceships? We just get pissed off."

"Sir, I can't detonate the payload! We're being hacked! The other ships are hacking us!"

"Eleventh spaceship buddy, here I come! Oh wait, what's that? You want to go home?"

"Communications going down. Can't signal the home fleet--"

"Oh, you want to go detonate at home? Want to take some friends?"

“Sure do, buddy!”