Saturday, June 12, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: "How are you feeling?" -A well-meaning friend

"How am I feeling? I feel like going to bed until Sunday. At the crack of noon on the holy day I'll order a pizza. Delivery. I'll bribe the deliveryman to come into my house, upstairs, and to set the pizza on my mattress. No matter how heavy a tip he demands, I'll give it to him so long as he leaves the box open, so that I can roll over and gnaw at the pie at will. He'll depart, I'll eat what I assume is one and a half slices before falling asleep - hopefully not face down in cheese, but I make no promises. I'll sleep through Monday, and if Monday is dumb enough to poke through my light-blocking blinds, I will grab it about the throat and throttle it. I'll leave its remains in the pizza box and go back to bed. I will sleep so long and so thoroughly that princes will show up wondering if they're supposed to help wake me. Any who intrude will receive Monday-like throttling. I will only leave the bed once it is so soiled that I can't stand the smell - at which point I'll roll onto the floor and use the carpet as a blanket."


  1. Sounds like a whole-latta inactivity to me. The face in cheese pizza paints quite an image.
    I will keep away on Monday to avoid a throttling...

  2. Written like a man who has no worries about a kid coming in and jumping on his head at 6am.

    How funny; the word verification for this comment was "tranke"

  3. Yes Barry!! The kid factor may be an issue John doesn't deal with yet. You haven't lived until your kid makes you watch Barney at 6:30 a.m.

    Seriously... you just wrote about my ultimate dream. When my wife asks what I want for Father's day ... I say a night in a hotel. By myself. Not to eff around... but for the PEACE. Yup, you just worte about the ultimate guy fantasy.

  4. Hey the ladies dream of slovenly inactivity too! John, I hope you get the rest you obviously need.

  5. Carpet as a blanket? The obsessive in me scowls disapprovingly. Another fine hit with economy. Cheers, Kil


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