Saturday, June 12, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: "How are you feeling?" -A well-meaning friend

"How am I feeling? I feel like going to bed until Sunday. At the crack of noon on the holy day I'll order a pizza. Delivery. I'll bribe the deliveryman to come into my house, upstairs, and to set the pizza on my mattress. No matter how heavy a tip he demands, I'll give it to him so long as he leaves the box open, so that I can roll over and gnaw at the pie at will. He'll depart, I'll eat what I assume is one and a half slices before falling asleep - hopefully not face down in cheese, but I make no promises. I'll sleep through Monday, and if Monday is dumb enough to poke through my light-blocking blinds, I will grab it about the throat and throttle it. I'll leave its remains in the pizza box and go back to bed. I will sleep so long and so thoroughly that princes will show up wondering if they're supposed to help wake me. Any who intrude will receive Monday-like throttling. I will only leave the bed once it is so soiled that I can't stand the smell - at which point I'll roll onto the floor and use the carpet as a blanket."

5 comments:

  1. Sounds like a whole-latta inactivity to me. The face in cheese pizza paints quite an image.
    I will keep away on Monday to avoid a throttling...

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  2. Written like a man who has no worries about a kid coming in and jumping on his head at 6am.

    How funny; the word verification for this comment was "tranke"

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  3. Yes Barry!! The kid factor may be an issue John doesn't deal with yet. You haven't lived until your kid makes you watch Barney at 6:30 a.m.

    Seriously... you just wrote about my ultimate dream. When my wife asks what I want for Father's day ... I say a night in a hotel. By myself. Not to eff around... but for the PEACE. Yup, you just worte about the ultimate guy fantasy.

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  4. Hey the ladies dream of slovenly inactivity too! John, I hope you get the rest you obviously need.

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  5. Carpet as a blanket? The obsessive in me scowls disapprovingly. Another fine hit with economy. Cheers, Kil

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