Friday, July 23, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: TEMPORARILY REDACTED

This story has been taken down for the foreseeable future pending a potential sale.

43 comments:

  1. HAHAHAHA. LOVE it. This was very, very clever. I had a big AHA moment at the end. Awesome John.

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  2. Gives the expression "you'll be the death of me" a whole new depth.
    Another laugh, another hmm.

    (Fifth paragraph, I think you meant "creek" thought "creak" gives a spooky sound.)

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  3. That's a lot of dying. This one was a lot of fun to read, despite the high body count (well, I guess the body count is only one...er...zero when all is said and done). Good story, John!

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  4. So cool, I read it twice. Great structure for this story. The ending smacks it home.

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  5. David beat me to it but yes, your structure was the perfect execution.

    laura will certainly chuckle at this...

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  6. So good, John! Each paragraph made my smile larger and larger until the last one had me laughing. :)

    Always enjoy your work!

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  7. I was wondering the whole way through how you were going to wrap it up. Nice job!

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  8. Now that's a demented little treat. I can see you had fun writing this one.

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  9. So many ways to die, so little time. I loved this.

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  10. Ant is right - this made me laugh! Bonding is such a hard thing to do, even Death can't get a break. :)

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  11. While the end works very well in terms of logic, I think I actually preferred the story without dotting it's t's & crossing it's i's. There was a relentlessness about it as she steps out of the carnage of one death and headlong into another fatality.

    Having said that, I did love the notion of death driving up in his 'rental replacement' cos he'd totalled the previous car. That was a hoot.

    marc nash

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  12. Marc, you're not the first person who thought Death was a man. Why is this? She's referred to as the stepmother and in the final paragraph has multiple feminine pronouns. Is it something I missed, or is death personified as male in so much popular fiction and mythology that people think it anyway? Thoughts?

    Carrie, that's the most enthusiastic first comment I could ask for. Thanks!

    Peggy, thank you for catching my typo, and for stopping by. On twitter you said it made you think. What did you think about? Hot cocoa?

    Eric, I try to clean up after myself. Zero bodycount makes it eco-friendly.

    David and Anthony, I tinkered a lot with the hints and structure. I'm glad you two like how it came together.

    Also glad that Anthony was right and I got Laura to crack up. Maybe our Deaths should mingle.

    Marisa, I hope it was a good wide smile by the end.

    Danielle, thanks for reading. Glad you liked the ending.

    Rachel, I did indeed enjoy writing this one. Editing was feverish, but also sort of satisfying.

    Mr. Solender, it's 100% adult safe. You can take some home if you like, so long as the kids are away.

    Laurita, you loved it? You're too kind. But then, so is Death and we saw where that got her. Thanks for stopping by!

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  13. I absolutely adore this. Can't wait to share it with everyone...this is a new addition to my favorites!

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  14. I like it; it was a gruesomely fun little story. Like Marc, though, I think I liked it better without the last paragraph.

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  15. I seem to be alone on this, but I like the whole story, especially with the last paragraph.

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  16. "She left an uninspired streak on the pavement."

    was a killer line.

    as was:
    There was just no way to bond with this kid.

    loved it.
    :0)

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  17. Kept waiting for the big reveal, and there it was. Very fun. What a stepmother to have. Who's the father?

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  18. That was GREAT! It took me all the way to the end to figure out what was going on. HA!

    ...oh, wait. I probably shouldn't admit that in front of all these other writers, should I?

    Hm. Still, great work.

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  19. LOL - well, the poor stepmother was doing her best...

    I think this perfectly captures both the self-dramatisation of the girl and the resignation of the adult who's trying so hard to bond with someone who's determined that she doesn't even want to like her.

    Brilliant story.

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  20. Cracking story. Love the macabre playfulness of it.

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  21. You're right John, never even noticed it. The prevailing image of Death is ineluctably male. The reader always brings his preconceptions to the story...

    So on your blog it's Marc, yet everywhere else it's Mr Nash???

    Marc x

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  22. You're right John, never even noticed it. The prevailing image of Death is ineluctably male. The reader always brings his preconceptions to the story...

    So on your blog it's Marc, yet everywhere else it's Mr Nash???

    Marc x

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  23. I figured she was just flat-out insane, and all of the dying was in her head. Having her be "Death's Stepdaughter" was a funny twist. But... it beg's the question:

    Who is Death now married to that brought a daughter into their relationship?

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  24. Cassie, hope your friends like it! Really appreciate folks spreading my work around.

    Lyn, so you would have preferred a series of deaths without explanation? Would you end it sharply, or on just another death? What sort of cap would you use?

    Shelly, glad you liked the ending! It's interesting to read complaints against it, but I don't think I could bring myself to nix the reveal. Not with Death being a longtime character of mine.

    Karen, I wondered if that streak line would offend anybody. I liked it too much to cut it. Looks like I won, at least with you.

    Valerie and Undiscovered, this Death has actually been in a few pieces of my fiction. This is the first piece advanced enough in her existence that she's been married. Her husband is her longtime lover, Life, who is considerably more eccentric.

    J. Dane, I fail to grasp things all the time! At least you got it in the end. The point was to draw a puzzling tease until the end anyway. Thanks for reading.

    Aislinn, glad you liked that undercurrent. I tried to take melodrama, then remove the 'melo.'

    Thanks Dan!

    Nash, Mr. Nash, Marc, Marc Nash... I'd taken to calling you Mr. Nash, but thought I'd go more familiar. Now that you've called me out on it, I may have to go halfway and call you Mr. Marc.

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  25. Not what I expected at all! For a while I thought that all these deaths were simply a wish running through some crazy woman's mind.

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  26. GREAT story, John. I really loved reading this. It rolls along at a great pace, is full of wonderful lines and I never saw where it was headed. For me, Death was very obviously a woman. Thanks for a great read. ~ Hazel

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  27. Fabulous! Reminds me of life (and death) with a teenager. How I loathe those years. :)

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  28. ha Ha HA! Always enjoy your work. Loved this, "rainbow of possible maladies" sounds so pretty. It's like death and skittles merging. Which sort of reminds me of a teenager which reminds me of this story.

    Awesome as always

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  29. I totally approve of death being a woman and a stepmother. I had a stepmonster of my own, I'd love to reverse those roles and make the step daughter death. But that's just my own personal revenge fantasy, this was a ripping story.

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  30. T.S., during the first draft I was afraid she might be crazy. That would be such a waste, don't you think?

    Milady Scribbles, glad she clicked with you, and I'm grinning for your responses to the pace and lines. Thank you!

    Moxie, loathed living as the teenager, or with a growing one? I guess both have the potential to stink.

    Jodi: jaundice, scarlet fever, gangrene - it comes in all shades. Thanks for stopping by!

    Pamila, if it helps, Death had an unhappy childhood. She had no reliable friends, except the boy who became the man in her life. Most kids, and most adults, are just so... temporal.

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  31. Now *that* is imaginative, and funny in a dark way.

    I loved the "...uninspired streak..." phrase. It fit very well with the tone of the whole piece.

    I had no idea how you were going to land this one, but couldn't stop reading till I got there.

    Really nicely done.

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  32. So many deaths, so little time. Well done!

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  33. It has a cinematic, dream-like feel with the repeated deaths and incarnations. It's the ending with Death trying to bond that makes it superb.
    Adam B

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  34. John - this story was a riot. I furrowed my brows at the beginning not sure where you were going but then i started to roll with it. BTW, she was hit by a "general overnight delivery" truck ... g.o.d.? Hmmm ;-)

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  35. I was so confused at the beginning but it was interesting so I kept on. Zombies? I thought, maybe undead? A ghost? But wow... You really packed a punch with the ending. That was awesome.

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  36. Very, very clever. I too was wondering where you were going with this, and then I LOL'd.

    Refreshing to see Death as a woman :-D

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  37. This rocked. I was thinking we had a paranoid stepmother here until that last paragraph.

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  38. Wow! Impressive. Loved, loved, loved this one. I think that was one of the best first paragraphs I've read in a long time.

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  39. KjM, did you have any guesses while you were reading, or did you think I'd just gone mad?

    Nomar, I tried to make the most out of their night.

    Fullness/Adam, thank you. It's interesting that you read it as cinematic. Do you know what elements framed it that way for you?

    PJ, General Overnight Delivery is never an accident with me. One of our best acronyms.

    Gany, thanks! I enjoy hearing what people thought it was as it was going on.

    Mazz, glad I got you to laugh out loud and support my Ms. Death approach.

    Susan, I can see the interpretation of a paranoid stepmother. It happens to everyone who's desperate for a good impression - minus all the actual carnage.

    GP, glad you loved it so much. What struck you about the opening?

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  40. There's nothing negative to say about this story, yet anything complimentary would be redundant after the twoscore comments ahead of me, so I leave you instead with something entirely neutral:

    I read your story.

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  41. Oh you've really put that stepdaughter through the ringer, haven't you?! Wonderful way to kill one person so many times in one flash. Your work always makes me chuckle in a particularly dark way.

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  42. Death warmed over and over ... the way you kindle the fires of your readers good John. Loved the reveal that Death married Life -- helluva reception, hunh?

    Loved the humming, humming in the padded room and that pills would be prescribed for "a rainbow of possible maladies". < How dang cool that would look on a label.

    The wrap'up ending to pursue the Solender pun was indeed a clincher-killer line. Bravo DeathWriter. ~ Absolutely*Kate

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