Thursday, July 22, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: Censoring the Internet with Piranhas

"People have said that trying to censor the internet would be like trying to take the pee out of a swimming pool. With high chlorination and water circulation, that isn't entirely necessary. What I want to do is prevent and penalize anymore pee getting into the swimming pool. I want to train piranha that will smell and taste only one thing: urine (or child pornography). They will enter a feeding frenzy and maul whatever person urinates in the pool (or uploads photos of middle school cheerleaders). The hope is that the pee-ranhas would kill off urinators. Their blood would then get in the internet, too, but we'd circulate that out with some anti-malware programs and lifeguards. After a few years internet pirates and people who create ghastly websites would stop out of fear of finding carnivorous fish swimming in their inboxes. If necessary, we would train the pee-ranhas to swim through air so that they could track down the net-urinators to their homes. A few mauling videos on Youtube and fear will spread. They won’t be able to overcome it. It’ll be like pee in a swimming pool."


  1. Well put, John. And I'm sure the government would love to hear about this one (in fact, the 'super-computer' has probably already read your story). But are there enough piranhas in the world to do the trick?

  2. I novel idea. But to the pee-ranhas get to decide what needs to be censored? What if I write a story about fishing?

  3. Alan, we can always breed more. Posting photos of the breeding will be illegal, of course.

    Laurita, you can probably bribe them with fish-based content. But do you really want to attract their attention? Especially if it excites them.

  4. Gany, I'll never give up on puns.

    Mr. Solender, channeling Jeff Goldblum. I always suspected that about you.

  5. Deliciously bizarro.

    What about babies and toddlers who leak through their bathing diaper thingies? Not their fault. Peace...

  6. The title! oh man.....

    Goes without saying that the rest was great. But the visual that the title generated for me was just too funny.

  7. Linda, it's not their fault, but I won't miss them. Should have stayed in the kiddy pool, patrolled by SpyBot fish.

    Karen, glad you enjoyed the title so much. Piranha don't get enough love, though I assume the upcoming movie will change that.

  8. Pee-ranhas delivered via the in box. Neat trick that. If only it could be done. But computer technology is expanding exponentially, so never say never, I suppose.


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