Monday, April 25, 2011

Bathroom Monologue: Methinks, OR, "The lady doth protest too much, methinks." -William Shakespeare, Hamlet

"Methinks the lady doth protest too much."

The Lady Winchester touched her stately bosom. "Did he just accuse me of the murder, or say I’m complaining too much about the way his insane family’s behaving? "

Her butler answered with trepidation, "Would one offend you less, madame?"

"Well one has some grounding rational fact. I was nowhere near his ruddy father when he was stabbed."

“I believe he was poisoned.”

“More’s the reason I didn’t do it. I didn’t even know the royal limp-dick had died. I’d know how if I knew it at all. Now is his brat saying I killed him, or complaining I bitch too much?”

“The Prince is disturbed, madame. I don't even think he was referring to your ladyship.”

“I’ll disturb him more. Sue for defamation.” Her plucked brow wriggled. “See how he does without his inheritance.”

“Which would the lady prefer he had suggested?”

“Now, I think the murder. Slander could bring us in… well, how much did the whelp inherit?”

“Mostly grief. I think Claudius got the rest, including his mother.”

“He wanted his own mother?”

“I think he wants his father.”

She swatted him across the face. “That’s incestuous, homosexual and maligns the dead.”

“Pardons, madame.”

“You don’t say that sort of thing out loud. He could sue.”


  1. "...he could sue."
    I love that line, it was a great way to end this.

  2. What is a stately bosom exactly? Is it somehow more refined than a peasantly bosom? ;)

    Enjoyed the story, John, as usual.

  3. Love this one.

    Turns out Rosencrantz & Guildenstern would have sued for libel, but no one could remember who's alibi was whose (including Rosencrantz & Guildenstern).

  4. Do my "Last Duchess"!!! Do it do do it like Tony Soprano.


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