Saturday, April 30, 2011

Bathroom Monologue: Try a Sugar Pill

Do you suffer from Dry Mouth? Restless Legs? Do you wander your kitchen at two in the morning, scrubbing the counter for what might be residue, even though you rationally know they’re just bumps in an old surface?

Try Sugar Pill. In clinical studies, Sugar Pill did not cause shortness of breath, rectal bleeding or severe ulcers. Sugar Pill has been proven to not cause drowsiness, anxiety or violent marital strife. In some cases Sugar Pill did not cause stroke or stroke-like symptoms. People with heart defects complained of no change in their dispositions.

Sugar Pill works using a revolutionary technique called “your digestive system.” It goes to the same place where all the food does, and stays there. Sometimes it makes friends. It never makes side effects that are way scarier than what it’s supposed to cure.

You can operate heavy machinery while using Sugar Pill. If you're diabetic or may become diabetic you should talk to your doctor before trying Sugar Pill. Ten out of ten doctors claimed sugar pill had no negative side effects. More than ten doctors were unavailable.


  1. As usual, you had me laughing all the way through! I love the "or if you may become diabetic" line. I love your sense of humor, John.

  2. You just might revolutionize the placebo industry!

  3. Now that's the way to advertise :)
    Great one, as always!

  4. Excellent. It'd be fun if the advertisement were always like this.

  5. "Do you wander your kitchen at two in the morning, scrubbing the counter for what might be residue," - I need a sugar pill!

    So um. Does like. The sugar pill "Make Friends" or like. will I "Make friends"? Or do I need to consult my doctor about this?


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