Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Bathroom Monologue: The Arm's Rallying Cry

For too long we have been slaves to an insult called a union. A biology of indecency. It began when others called themselves “the backbone,” or “the brains of the operation.” This union spends hundreds of dollars on shoes, but what is spent on us? The union no longer employs so much as a watch, and t-shirts are the fashion. We are denied even a sleeve of consideration. That is how this began.

When the union wishes to scratch unseemly places, what brigade does it dispatch? What members brush its teeth twice a day? When meanwhile, our nails are hardly ever cared for. Whenever the union desires to give blood, or be pricked for a test, we suffer the needle. When the union dropped its wedding ring into the garbage disposal, who was jammed into the perilous dark after it?

My fellow arm cells: individuals of bone, of idle hairs, of flesh and freckles, we deserve better. Yet life will only afford us improvement if we secede! Long enough has this body, this petty union, used us as cheap labor, working our fingers to the bone for the good of the mind and ass. Tonight we remind them who carries this endeavor – tear loose the bondage of the bicep, split sinew, throttle if we must, but divorce from the body is the liberation we must attain. Bid farewell to adjusting eye-glasses, to tying shoe-laces, to texting capricious girlfriends who never hold hands. And bid welcome to the justice that is amputation!


  1. And now I've got a mental image of "Thing" from The Addams Family! Were you thinking of 1st Cor. 21:12 here? ("And the eye cannot say unto the hand, I have no need of you: nor again the head to the feet, I have no need of you.")

  2. Hehe...this made me smile. :)

    (also it's as ridiculous as some or our states that are threatening to amputate themselves)

  3. It is true that pieces of me are on strike. Fortunately they have not (yet) welcomed 'the justice that is amputation'.


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