Bathroom Monologue: Live to Duct Tape

"I have six days to write something that will go live on network television? I don't even know how to write for live theatre! Or dead theatre! You could produce my skit for an audience of zombies and they'd be just as likely to laugh as an audience of living twenty-somethings! And when the ****ing skit was over, the living audience would be just as likely to rip my limbs off and devour my flesh as the zombies! I can't do this! I don't know how to do this! I'll lose my job! But you know, all this emotion is kind of inspiring. I kind of want to write. Wait, I'll come back in ten minutes. Either I'll have a script or I'll be begging you to fire me."