Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Bathroom Monologue: That Neck Thingie

It's tough being a 250-pound guy in a neckbrace; you look like a cartoon bird being strangled. You're already huge, and now you have this decoration - this decoration that every single idiot you help at Walmart can't help but ask about. And you're not going to tell them the truth - oh Hell no. You make up stories on the way to work, and then you make up fresh ones on the spot, because after the second time you replay the original set of lies in your mind you realize how dumb they sound. Oh, you popped your neck lifting something. Something heavy. Or you fell off a ladder. Or a bar fight. Yeah, you were hit with something. Something heavy. Something manly, something iron. No matter the lie, iron will always be involved after that. You tell these iron lies because they make you feel like a man, and because there's no Goddamned way you'll tell them you tore a muscle in your neck straining too hard while taking a dump. You didn't even know that was possible, and you damn sure don't anyone else realizing it's possible at your expense.

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