Saturday, December 29, 2007

Bathroom Monologue: Sun Tzu Inspires Some Weird Thoughts

Not telepathy. Intrapathy. It's probably an abuse of Latin, but that's okay. Who speaks Latin anymore? Intrapathy is the ability to read your own mind. Think you already do? You delusional sucker. You think with your mind, but you don't know your mind. Most people are so bad at picking their own brains apart that they either lie to themselves for their entire lives, or hire a minimally superior mind-picker in psychologists or psychiatrists. That's where intrapathy comes in. Only you can do it, and when you've got the talent, it stays. Figure out the reasons behind your actions and tastes, below the logic, below the rationality, just a layer of skin above the pink membrane of instinct itself. You'll remember what really matters, the memories so important that your mind has swallowed them and prevented you from ever remembering them afterward - like in my case, that time I went sledding with my dad and accidentally overturned us into a snow bank started my pathological fear of controlling devices. Without intrapathy, I still wouldn't have a driver's license. Good intrapathy allows you to get in there and really change who you are, to edit your personally like an author edits their manuscript. How many books are good on the first draft? Maybe one, and that book probably isn't yours. Intrapathy requires no gurus or professionals. It beats the heck out of the human genome. And once you get adept at it, those telepaths will be knocking down your door, inviting you into their heads to fix what's wrong with them. They'll do it because they know that if you don't know yourself, it doesn't matter how well you know your enemy.

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