Thursday, July 22, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: Censoring the Internet with Piranhas

"People have said that trying to censor the internet would be like trying to take the pee out of a swimming pool. With high chlorination and water circulation, that isn't entirely necessary. What I want to do is prevent and penalize anymore pee getting into the swimming pool. I want to train piranha that will smell and taste only one thing: urine (or child pornography). They will enter a feeding frenzy and maul whatever person urinates in the pool (or uploads photos of middle school cheerleaders). The hope is that the pee-ranhas would kill off urinators. Their blood would then get in the internet, too, but we'd circulate that out with some anti-malware programs and lifeguards. After a few years internet pirates and people who create ghastly websites would stop out of fear of finding carnivorous fish swimming in their inboxes. If necessary, we would train the pee-ranhas to swim through air so that they could track down the net-urinators to their homes. A few mauling videos on Youtube and fear will spread. They won’t be able to overcome it. It’ll be like pee in a swimming pool."

10 comments:

  1. Well put, John. And I'm sure the government would love to hear about this one (in fact, the 'super-computer' has probably already read your story). But are there enough piranhas in the world to do the trick?

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  2. I novel idea. But to the pee-ranhas get to decide what needs to be censored? What if I write a story about fishing?

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  3. Alan, we can always breed more. Posting photos of the breeding will be illegal, of course.

    Laurita, you can probably bribe them with fish-based content. But do you really want to attract their attention? Especially if it excites them.

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  4. Gany, I'll never give up on puns.

    Mr. Solender, channeling Jeff Goldblum. I always suspected that about you.

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  5. Deliciously bizarro.

    What about babies and toddlers who leak through their bathing diaper thingies? Not their fault. Peace...

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  6. The title! oh man.....

    Goes without saying that the rest was great. But the visual that the title generated for me was just too funny.

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  7. Linda, it's not their fault, but I won't miss them. Should have stayed in the kiddy pool, patrolled by SpyBot fish.

    Karen, glad you enjoyed the title so much. Piranha don't get enough love, though I assume the upcoming movie will change that.

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  8. Pee-ranhas delivered via the in box. Neat trick that. If only it could be done. But computer technology is expanding exponentially, so never say never, I suppose.
    ~jon

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