Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Bathroom Monologue: The Ring of Fraud

Beavis the Orc gestured to the great black gates. The trolls had only begun to wind the cranks to open it. It groaned and shook the ground under their feet with the promise of coming war.

"What if their army doesn't have the ring?" he asked Guildenstern the Orc. "Not the wizard, not the elves, not the egotistical park ranger. What if they gave it to a little guy? The littlest guy?"

Guildenstern furrowed his brows. "The littlest guy?"

"Somebody so worthless that the boss wouldn't waste time killing him, much less hunting his littlest ass down. And this littlest guy snoops under our noses, across our borders, through the little cracks in gates like this one. We won't even know he's here until he hits the volcano."

Guildenstern shoved him. "That's crazy. But it is an excuse to mug some more defenseless critters."

"My thoughts exactly."

They beamed through the opening gates of doom. It was going to be a profitable day in the blighted lands.


  1. Har. Beavis and Guildenstern.

    I like the plot twist. It would force the littlest guy to use the ring for invisibility purposes earlier...hence bringing on madness sooner. Cool.

  2. This makes me wonder how the story would read if the orcs were the good guys...

  3. Alan, would you believe they're over a decade old? I mashed them up when I first read Tom Stoppard. The old dumb and the new dumb. They're actually in my first novel, too, as goons who get treed by a monster neither believes in.

    Laurita, there is actually a Russian novel coming out soon that casts the dark lord as the good guy. It actually looks pretty offensive for how it re-casts everything, flipping black to white. Now they're the enlightened, scientific side and everybody else are conservatives. I'd much rather write about funny evil than phony ideological conflicts.

    Jen, now you wouldn't be encouraging me to keep writing these, would you?

  4. Hah, clever! Except I have to question whether orcs have that much brainpower, to consider subtlety as an option. But in the end… "oh well, let's go stomp some defenseless whatevers."

  5. A nice amalgamation of characters and stories here. I was laughing at the mere thought of Beavis and Guildenstern.

  6. I love looking at stories through the eyes of minor characters. :)

  7. Cute! Though I'll admit, Guildenstern was what initially drew me. I thought it was going to be a Shakespearean parody. Tolkien must be rolling in his grave.

    Awesome. :D

  8. Mr. FAR, they were originally goblins. I think I only changed them to orcs because I was so sleepy when I typed this up. Still, for any intelligence they display, it's all a cover for base urges. Like many non-orcs I know.

    Danni and Chuck, I've been considering digging these two up for a new serial. Them and their ogre buddy. What do you think?

    Gany, the two names do sort of serve as a cheap ploy for attention, though I swear it's not my intention. And there I went an insulted your memory of Tolkien, too...

  9. I had to read this with the comedy Cockney accents that all the Orcs had in the films...makes it even funnier. Not that I'm suggesting you record one like that, oh no....

  10. Oh no intelligent Orcs - Frodo put on the ring NOW! nevermind the black riders, the Orcs are thinking!


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