Friday, August 31, 2012

Bathroom Monologue: The Newcomer

Simon fell into the keyboard arrays, armored legs twisting as he sought orientation. He felt drunk, even though he hadn’t touched a bottle since last night. Montgomery stepped in to help, but Simon put up a robotic gauntlet to stop the approach. “Just keep briefing. Touch me and I’ll sue you for sexual harassment. I’ve got very good lawyers.”

“As you will.” Montgomery took two steps away from him, struggling to keep his eyes on the PDA rather than Simon’s busted suit. “His first appearance this morning was at 10:01. It’s conveniently time-stamped on an ATM camera. He stopped two men from mugging an elderly woman cashing her social security check. It’s on Youtube.”

“What a sweetheart.”

“At 10:05 he stopped a locomotive with his bare hands.”

“Bare hands?” Simon asked, pulling off his armored gauntlets. As soon as the servos disconnected, they snapped from the frame and thunked to the floor. He shook feeling into his fingers and found contusions all the way up his forearms.

“His bare hands,” Montgomery confirmed. “Three minutes later police saw him take those bare hands into a warehouse being held up by the Mastiff Brothers. They emptied five clips into his forehead and didn’t even disturb his spitcurl. The Mastiffs are in custody, though they already have three appeals filed.”

Simon stroked his chromium mask, searching around the hand-shaped dent over the faceplate for the release valves. “Shot in the bare forehead?”

“One would presume, sir. There may be video this afternoon.”

Simon lingered on that as steam spat out from the valves. He let the crumpled chromium mask drop to the floor, then wiped his brow. He didn’t think he was bleeding. “Did he do anything between getting shot at 10:08 and 10:21?”

“Well, you encountered him at 10:19. So he did at least one thing for two minutes.”

“If I hired you for your wit, you’re fired.”

“Fortunately I was hired because you don’t know how to make Youtube on your own. Do you want help with that?”

“Search engines were invented by rabid monkeys.” Simon braced one titanic boot on the control panel and leaned as far back as he could. The dents along his chest-chasse were so deep that neither of the hinges would come loose. He clawed at them for another impotent moment before shrugging at Montgomery. “You could get me a crowbar. Maybe a jaws-of-life?”

Loyal Montgomery traveled to the workbenches, one hand searching for the appropriate tool, while the other held up his PDA. “He was on the way to something big, possibly an earthquake in South America since that’s where he’s gone since, when 10:19 happened. It’s also on Youtube, if you’d like to see it again.”

“Not right now.” Simon pinched his eyes closed and groaned; he was only now getting feeling back in his ass. He’d never imagined how much he’d miss feeling down there.

Montgomery returned to him with a blowtorch tucked into his armpit and a crowbar in hand. He offered the tools, then stepped back, withholding them as he asked, “What are we going to do about him, sir?”

“Well, you are going to get my other suit. The Alexander Amosu with the pink tie and cufflinks.” He snatched the crowbar and dug it into his armor’s mechanized hip, grinning to himself. “Meanwhile, I’m going to see if he needs a best friend.”


  1. I liked how much work it's taking this guy to get his armour off! Very Batmam/Alfred!

  2. Like a steampunk Iron Man - loved it!

  3. I can't help but think of The Incredibles, especially the line,"Honey, where's my supersuit?" Great fun stuff John!

  4. I really enjoyed this! Best friend indeed! :D

  5. No amount of electromechanical augmentation is going to beat native talent! I think Simon has the right idea, get on the new guy's good side. Sounds like they had a little altercation, though. I wonder what happened.

  6. So, it has come to this: even super heroes need social networking now or the kids just don't want to know.

  7. Ironman meets Hancock for me!

    marc nash

  8. Yay, superheroes!

    Loved this piece. Kind of like an evil Batman/Ironman mashup meeting a young Superman for the first time. I didn't mean to but I found myself sympathising with the protagonist.

  9. I love the way superheroes are taking over fiction outside of comics!

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  11. If you can't beat them, join them? He's not doing too well, but he's got some smarts.

  12. I loved this. The picture was a perfect start off. Your abilities as a wordsmith frustrate me. :) Is this in response to City of Heroes fate? Lastly, I want to read more of this world!

  13. Maybe that new BFF will buy him a new super-suit. Nice one.

  14. Hmmm, I'd like to know what happened during the 2 minute encounter too. Will this become a series?

  15. Hmmmm, interesting... a best friend in a League of Shadows kind of way? Or a Catwoman kind of way?

  16. Superheroes! Loved it John!

    A part of me thinks this possible new friendship might end with a sabotage. How else does one return his glory?


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