Sunday, August 26, 2012

True Story of John: Eulogy for the worst person I’ve ever met

It was an overcast afternoon and my family was exhausted from packing and the road. My little sister had leased her first apartment and was finally taking everything she’d left in our basement, and during a lull, I went out to cook for the group.

Most people don’t count wasps as people, but he was too much of a dick to grant him the excuse of non-persona. He buzzed with a friend as soon as I opened the door, flying directly at my face. I waved them aside with the spatula, but they only circled around the air-current and continued. I had to constantly wave the spatula to blow them aside as I turned on the grill, and he still managed to fly around to my chest, where I felt his stinger bounce off my shirt. I swatted him to the ground, but let him live. This was a mistake as he and his partner zipped up towards my exposed arm.

I ducked inside the house to let them cool off. There are no wasp nests on my deck, nor on the grill. These wasps were visitors. I chatted with my brother and sister for a few minutes before someone complained of hunger, and I went back outside to put the burgers on.

As soon as I reached through the door to open the grill, the wasp flew straight into my forearm. I felt the sting as it jabbed me, and it rebounded off my flesh, having flown so hard it couldn’t control its flight after impact. It fly between the bars of the grill, stuck to a heating vent inside, and melted. He kamikazed me.

I was dumbstruck, never having been so angry at something for dying before. I’m also allergic to wasp venom, so that wasn’t a peach. I swore the stupid bastard’s memory for several arm-tingling hours afterward.


  1. Maybe he just wanted you to write about him. Him and his buddy probably traveled hundreds of miles, seeking the author of The Bathroom Monologues, hoping against hope you'd find them interesting enough to write about. That's why they greeted you so enthusiastically when you first went outside. Then, when you swatted him, his psychopathic side took over (because he must be psychopathic; why else would he fly so far to stalk you?) and he pulled the wasp-equivalent of Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.

  2. I'm not allergic, but I still hate wasps. I agree, your mistake was to let the dang thing live after it attacked you once. I'm also a big fan of the long-distance wasp spray.

  3. Ouch. I felt this. And remembered. Years back I was having a pleasant swim in an outdoor pool. The rotten little bastard hit me in the underarm as I took a stroke. Intense pain. I think he drowned - though I have a feeling that some at least of them are like bees and essentially disembowel themselves to sting you.

  4. I hate wasps too. Although it's good to have something you can hate guilt free.


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