Saturday, July 6, 2013

Bathroom Monologue: Does sex change how you feel about someone?

"Sex absolutely changes how you feel about someone. It'd make you save her life over some virgin's."

"I don't know. Life's complicated, man."

"No, really. It's a serious change to the game. You've got some pirate in front of you, and he's going to kill one of two women. The one on the left is a stranger, the one on the right you banged last night."

"I don't want to live in your hypotheticals. They would not pass a building inspection."

"Who do you save? Left or right?"

"I don't know. The human mind is flighty. Who looks more desperate? Who's more pathetic? I'm a sucker for pathetic."

"They're equally pathetic. They're tied up by Captain Blackbeard."

"No two people are the same. They'd move differently, talk differently. Their faces, you know? It messes with neurons."

"They have identical faces."

"Body language."

"Identical bodies. And they're absolutely still. The only difference is you had sex with one of them, and one of them is going to die."

"Identical faces. Identical bodies."


"How can I tell them apart? How do I know which one is which?"

"Fine! There are nametags."

"Are they perspiring the same way? Because if one go so sweaty that her nametag fell off, I'd probably feel sympathy for her."

"You know what? Fuck you."

"No. Then I'm going to have to save your twin from a pirate."


  1. What a quandary. Big, big smiles. Thank you.

  2. I feel like this is a larger metaphor for gun control debates, which always seem to revolve around protecting oneself from a situation too ridiculous to even put in an action film. It's also a pretty damning indictment of view some people talk about people they're sexually attracted to.

    1. That wasn't the authorial intent, but I'm interested to read it play out. It's mostly about how I get stuck on the points people aren't arguing in their hypotheticals.

  3. I started out by thinking about the lady or the tiger. Then I forgot about that.
    Save the one you had sex with. You might get "gratitude sex".

    I have never had "gratitude sex" but maybe it is pretty SEXY.
    This was great. as always. And yeah, I know that you would probably get sex from either one but
    wait--WHY CAN'T YOU SAVE THEM BOTH? I forget. Double gratitude sex!
    Off to write a porno novel! Thanks!

    1. I can neither confirm nor deny having gratitude sex with any tigers.

  4. And maybe it depends on *why*. If she's Blackbeard's gf, and gave it up in hopes he'd kill me instead, well…

  5. Haha, so I need to get laid a lot and practise looking pathetic in the event that I'm kidnapped by a pirate and some guy is in a position to save me? :P


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