Friday, July 5, 2013

Bathroom Monologue: Frankenstein's Monsters

When they heard what Frankenstein was up to the town put up quite a ruckus. Anyone without a flashlight (and there were quite a few, as they hadn’t been invented yet) lit a stick on fire and called it a torch. Dozens of howling fire-bearers in jockey shorts hustled up to the gates of Castle Frankenstein and beat on the doors until the Doctor showed his face.

“There is no — ” he started to lie, but was cut off by the town Point Guard.

“Germany hasn’t won the gold medal in basketball in years and we hear you’ve got a seven-foot undead countryman up there. Can he come out and play?”

“You can’t…” The Doctor paused. “Wait, you want to what?”

“We want to see if he can slam dunk. We’ve never had a player who could reach the net without a step-ladder, and that’s illegal in the Olympics.”

Dr. Frankenstein kept most of his body braced behind the door, but poked his face out to stare at the jockey-shorted rioters.

“You don’t want to kill him?”

“Listen,” said the Point Guard, “we aren’t very tall and we don’t bathe often, but we’re very technically sound.”

The Doctor put a hand on his hip.

“I didn’t know there was a local basketball team.”

“Yes, advertising is difficult without moveable type. We’re buying a machine on lay-away, but all we have right now is the letter A, and eventually we get bored of stamping everything with the same vowel.”

“So you don’t want to kill my creation?”

“Heavens no! We want to kill that insipid American team that wins all the time. President James Monroe drives the lane like it’s his doctrine. It’s terribly frustrating. That’s why we need your giant. Let’s see him bowl over a man stitched together from the best German bodies available.”

The Doctor laughed nervously. “Here I thought you were coming to kill the Monster…”

“Monster?” the Point Guard exclaimed and looked back at the crowd. Their faces lit up in unison.

Another in the crowd cried, “That’s brilliant! We needed a team name.”

The Point Guard thrust his arm in the air. “Here’s to Frankenstein’s Monsters!”

Then the jockey-shorted peasants began pumping their torches and chanting, “Mon-sters! Mon-sters!”

Except in German.

This story was originally published at Every Day Fiction.

23 comments:

  1. LOL he's a national hero! The monster makes an excellent mascot, even if he can't play.

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  2. So the sporting obsession started earlier than I knew. Smiles.

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  3. I enjoy the humor in absurdities. Nice work.

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  4. Ha ha enjoyed this very much. This line made me laugh out loud: ". Let’s see him bowl over a man stitched together from the best German bodies available.”

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  5. I love a good story that can make me laugh late in the night! Brill humor John!

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  6. Laugh out loud funny.. makes me think of the Mel Brooks classic..He's definitely got the height for it but not sure about his ability to jump.. all those metal bolts and plates and steel toe-capped boots might weigh him down.. Excellent John.. you cheered me up today!

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  7. I can see the $$$$$$s for the image rights. Don't fancy the prospect of the cheerleaders much though

    marc nash

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  8. A wicked good twist! Not sure how fast he'll move up and down the court, but even Shaq managed.

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  9. Nice to see this one again. Still funny!

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  10. Your stories always make me laugh. Of course the best thing for Frankenstein's monster was to play basketball. Duh! Brilliant :)

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  11. But Dr. Frankenstein was based in Geneva... or was this before Switzerland as well as before moveable type?

    Favourite part: "Except in German." Because of what German for "monster" is. So that makes it super-fun.

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  12. I laughed all the way through this. Then I looked up what "monster" is in German, based on Katherine's comment, and laughed all over again. Well played, John! Well played!

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  13. That. Was. Awesome!

    I'm marking this later to share with Monsterbat! :)

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  14. LOL I was wondering where you were taking this in the beginning, but love how it ended.

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  15. An interesting twist to the Frankenstein tale, lol! Some game this will be!

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  16. Yes, its amazing what people will tolerate if there's sporting glory on offer.

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  17. Hilarious. I'd love my Sixers to draft an undead center.

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  18. You crack me up! Now THAT'S a game I'd love to watch!

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  19. Lovely turnaround on a well-known theme!

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  20. I laughed all of the way through this! (They lit a stick on fire and called it a torch. Short, unwashed but technically sound.) :-)

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  21. LOL, that's brilliant, I was grinning the whole way through.

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