Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Bathroom Monologue: Mother-in-Law Vs. Mother of her Granddaughter Redux

“Oh God, can we just leave? I can’t take the stares. It's like I'm meat.”

"You look great, honey."

"You think?”

“For a human wheelbarrow? Yes! You should be proud.”

“…for a what?”

“It’s your body. You should be proud of your decisions, like the one to put on more pounds here and there.”

“I’m carrying a child!”

“Not in your thighs, deary. But don’t make excuses. Own it.”

“I haven’t even gained that much weight. My doctor says I’m at the dead-on average for seven months.”

“Dead-on average for the McDonalds generation, sure. But when I was carrying your husband? I was tight as a deer. Almost sinewy.”

“You have that look in your eyes sometimes.”

“What was that?”

“Nothing. Can we go?”

“We need to get dinner for Christmas, don’t we? Got to feed that fetus. And the rest of you.”

“Oh my God, you’re making more people stare.”

“If you can’t take the stares, then maybe you should take the stairs more often.”

“What the hell? That’s bad for the baby.”

“According to whom? When I was carrying Tim I lived on the seventh floor of a tenement with no elevator. The super always said I was very tight. When she stared, it was out of admiration. Those stares would have been grounds for divorce in six states.”

“This explains so much about Tim.”

“What was that? I can’t hear a thing in here. You'd think shoppers would use their in-door voices.”

“I said you’re not going to see this baby until she’s got her Masters degree.”

“Goodness, it’s noisy in here. Maybe we should leave. Want me to push the cart? We know how you feel about exercise.”

“…That’d be great. That’d be great.”


  1. Ouch. Families are such a challenging beast. The romance label puzzles me a little here. Romance gone, or to come?

  2. I'm much more willing to cut people out of my life than this woman seems to be.

  3. Yikes. That would piss me off to no end if I was in that woman's shoes.

  4. Yeah. I'd say you pretty much nailed it. The most incredible thing is that the exact same exchange could apply to two sisters walking together, or two supposed BFFs.

  5. This reminds of me of a recent incident with my mother in law. It's not that we disagree exactly, we just live in entirely different universes that sometimes have to overlap.

  6. I think this kind of thing would more come from my mother than my MIL, in my family. But then this supposes I would ever be having children anyway. THAT'S WHY IT'S FANTASY, AMIRITE? ;)

  7. A mother in law like that is grounds for divorce in EVERY STATE if your husband doesn't understand your refusal to go Christmas shopping with her!

  8. "You're not going to see this baby until she's got her Masters degree." Zzzzzzinggggggg!

    This sounds all too real. Are you sure you weren't stuck in a department store and transcribed this conversation?

  9. Oh no I would have punched her in the face and stormed away!!!! Ahhh you're so good in giving voices to made up people...I hope at least one of them was made up!


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