Bathroom Monologue: I don't know why I was thinking about Dracula

Vampires aren't killed by holy water! They just hate it. It tastes like poor people's hands. Similarly, the stake through the heart has little charm. I mean, sure, it kills a vampire. But is that really a surprise? It'd kill you. Even sunlight isn't genuinely impressive. It doesn't immolate a vampire. Vampires were simply more scientifically advanced hundreds of years ago and while you were inventing the printing press, they were donning capes and hiding in coffins out of fear for skin cancer.