Bathroom Monologue: The Penis

“No, none of me is happy to see you. Alright, four inches of me is very happy, but it’s very easily excited. … What, too frank? Am I supposed to pretend I’m hung like a lamppost to impress you? This is one of those modern conceits I don’t go in for. Size didn’t matter this much in olden times. Have you ever seen those naked statues of Hercules? All bulging muscles and chiseled features, with what appears to be half a cheese doodle hanging off his crotch. And yes ladies – when not erect, it’s tiny. It’s travel-sized. For all your talk about respecting your mind and this not being a physical relationship, it shouldn’t matter. Especially not if I’m better hung than Hercules.”