Bathroom Monologue: Bullhonky

“They say human evolution ended with the development of reason in the brain. That’s bullhonky. Evolution started ending as soon as it granted primates the thumb. It had relied on the pleasure of sex as a trick to get things to procreate for eons. With dogs and cats, you got social pleasuring, specifically finding a she-wolf with which to get your fun on. That carried over all the way up to the social sex scene in chimps. But chimps also got the thumb, and suddenly all the guys could pleasure themselves. Masturbation subverted the great engine of genetic inheritance. Who knows how many amazing adaptations were spilled on jungle floors because evolution was dumb enough to give a chimp an opposable finger. Evolution never thinks its inventions through very far, and so it slowed on down, barely cranking out a less hairy, slightly more upright version of the other things that had thumbs, and there it gave up. The amazing human intellect gave rise to increasingly efficient tools for killing other amazing humans to get their stuff, an economy in which to sell that stuff, the proceeds paid for bandwidth to beam Asian porn to American homes in seconds. They’re all modifications on nature’s gift of self-gratification. We slowed right down in the hunter/gatherer stage, and now look. The communal hunt slowed down to the family dinner, which withered into single-serving foods you could buy in a supermarket where no one looks you in the eye. There’s even self-check-out. Stage acting was replaced by movies, removing the presence of actors, and movie theatres were replaced by home theatres, removing the presence of audiences, and the average occupancy of homes was split in half by rising divorce rates. It’s like God and Mother Nature stopped talking when they realized they could masturbate. I don’t know what it would take to get them sleeping in the same bed again.”