Bathroom Monologue: Reliable Photographer

Handy eyes-free audio edition here.

None of the other detectives will listen to me, but if you’ve just got a minute, I have photo evidence that my neighbor is evil! Look at this picture. You can see the sound waves coming through the walls of his apartment. That’s unnatural.

Not enough? Look at this one. He’s stomping a kitten to death. Vile man.

In this one he’s going to the movies with Satan. You can tell it’s Satan because his jacket is on fire and his hair is pointy.

In this one he’s pushing his mother down the stairs of our apartment complex. There’s no handrail because the superintendent is a lazy bastard. You should arrest him, too.

Here he’s standing over his fallen mother, doing the cabbage patch. I’m not sure if the stole he’s wearing is made from the same cat I photographed him killing, but it’s definitely cat fur.

And here he and Satan are resurrecting Herbert Hoover and Richard Nixon through a black portal to Hell. See the steam?

And here the four of them resurrect the cats he’s killed by the same dark ritual. That seems nice, right?

Until you see this photo, of the four stomping the cats to death with heavy, metal boots.

Now before you say anything, I know the other detectives said these aren’t photographs, but drawings I did with crayon. I swear to you they aren’t. His music really is that loud! Please, just follow me home!