Bathroom Monologue: Busy Serpent

"What really got me about the story of Eden was everything else in there. The birds, the bugs, even the trees are on the earth as well as in Eden. Humans weren't on earth before the fall. So logically, neither was anything else. God had to trick everyone with His magic fruit gag; eventually even the carnivores, dumb as they were, took a bite of the apple and were cast out. Insects that would perish from trying to fill their mouths with apple took a bite. Even trees! Look at all the trees on the earth. How the Hell did God trick all of them into eating from the Tree of Knowledge? Of course, the Tree of Knowledge didn't eat from itself, as it isn’t on earth (if it was, we’d all do better in Calculas). Maybe it tricked the other trees. Maybe it was God’s co-conspirator. Being that it was dropping fruits of genius left and right, the Tree of Knowledge ought to have been able to fool things without mouths into taking a little bite. Oh, but don't say it's impossible, since trees can't move. They've fooled you all into thinking they're immobile, but actually they're just waiting. Yes, waiting..."