Saturday, December 15, 2007

Bathroom Monologue: Numbah One!

Their most popular beer is 'ichiban,' which is Japanese for "number one," I guess because once you've had an atomic bomb dropped on you, you never feel the need to be subtle ever again. But "ichiban" means something very different in English. Ichiban has had a dramatic effect on my life and family, particularly through my brother. Some of you may have family members who can't hold their imported drinks, but not like mine. You have not experienced the depths of foreign-alcohol-fueled dilemmas until you've been frantically trying to pay the bill at a Thai restaurant while your brother is so wasted on ichiban, which he brought himself because it's a fucking Thai restaurant and they don't sell Japanese beer, while he is so wasted on the stuff that he gets in a fight with the chef, who doesn't a speak a word of English, and when the language barrier overcomes his beer-addled brain, grabs the chef by his poofy hat and screams into his face, "No hable Chinkanese, padre!" Then you're chased ten blocks by Thai immigrants wielding samurai swords, even though those are also Japanese and struck you as inappropriate decorations even before they were pulled off the wall and swung at your brother's head for blaming Pearl Harbor on the waiter. Then, then my friends, you've learned what "ichiban" means in English.

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