Bathroom Monologue: Think of the Ballot as an Ark

Safari having reminded him what he loved about politics, Theodore Roosevelt returned to the United States figuring the Republicans would make him their presidential candidate again. When incumbent president William Howard Taft led the Republican Convention in a round of laughing him out of the building, Teddy stormed across the street with his loyal supporters and rented out the opposing hotel, founding the Bull Moose Party that very night. Rumors hold he named it after the moose head hanging in the hall of the building. But did you know other political parties are associated with animals? For instance the Republicans chose to embody their sense of humor with their token elephant, a creature indigenous to countries they looked down on. The Democrats wanted to embody their spendthrift spirit and debated between notoriously cheap animals: the goldfish and the donkey. The donkey eventually won out, because after Democrats lost damn near every election, they couldn't take out their anger beating goldfish. Even the American Socialist Party had an animal. No one knew what it was, though, because it was in jail for sedition.