Bathroom Monologue: God Hates Statistics

"God, long having lost touch with creation after inventing introspection, sent out a commission to the living quadrants of the Omniverse in order to discern what people wanted from Him. He soon ruled out fulfilling wishes and prayers, on account of the number of people who got what they wished for and were dissatisfied in life. Similarly, despite having sent out particular angels and scions to put forth a justice initiative, people did not seem particularly interested in getting what they deserved, and more often than not, argued that they deserved more than they had. The commission returned surprising data. God analyzed, worried and pondered about His creation for eons before conceding that the data was irrefutable: there was nothing so popular in the universe as death, as everyone did it at least once. So God, in His infinite caring and mercy, unleashed unheard of genocides across the cosmos. Asteroids showered solar systems, stars collapsed, and nifty new plagues, born by light waves rather than solid matter, ravaged living worlds to within an inch of their lives, and when they came to that inch, God lovingly nudged them over the brink. He was unhappy, then, to find everyone who was at the gates of Heaven very angry with Him. Immediately God put a "CLOSED FOR REPAIRS" sign on the Pearly Gates and drove off past the edge of Creation in search of the true supreme being, having completely lost faith in Himself."